04-23-2013, 01:29 PM
This was an interesting read! I thought it conveyed a vibrant message. My favorite line was "The colors today aren’t just of skin." Many of the lines besides this one, however, were a bit wordy. I think the piece can be improved if the ideas are expressed more concisely. For example:
Back then, colors
were under a tight rein.
All simple and divided,
a math question provided.
Other than that, there were places where I felt you only used a turn of phrase because it would rhyme. I LOVE how you rhymed orange with door hinge. I thought it was very clever. But the ideas didn't quite connect for me.
Also, I missed the ruemans reference. Only thing I can think is that you were referring to the Romans? Could just be my loss for not getting it
Overall a good job. Thanks for the read
Back then, colors
were under a tight rein.
All simple and divided,
a math question provided.
Other than that, there were places where I felt you only used a turn of phrase because it would rhyme. I LOVE how you rhymed orange with door hinge. I thought it was very clever. But the ideas didn't quite connect for me.
Also, I missed the ruemans reference. Only thing I can think is that you were referring to the Romans? Could just be my loss for not getting it
Overall a good job. Thanks for the read