04-21-2013, 09:24 AM
hey there,
you've done a pretty good job with the meter, only a few stanzas were off enough to trip me up. so that's not the problem here. the issue is more that what you're saying has been said a many, many times in very similar ways to this. if you want to improve your poetry, you need to add in images for your reader. the first line was ok, I saw a girl looking up at the sky... but after that she just stood there and spoke... until the end where she walked away. not super interesting. look around this site and find poems you like, and you'll probably end up realizing they're the ones who play a movie in your head. keep writing, this is honestly quite a good first effort, but see if you can now move into the next stage of becoming a poet-- exploring imagery. good luck!
-cloudy
you've done a pretty good job with the meter, only a few stanzas were off enough to trip me up. so that's not the problem here. the issue is more that what you're saying has been said a many, many times in very similar ways to this. if you want to improve your poetry, you need to add in images for your reader. the first line was ok, I saw a girl looking up at the sky... but after that she just stood there and spoke... until the end where she walked away. not super interesting. look around this site and find poems you like, and you'll probably end up realizing they're the ones who play a movie in your head. keep writing, this is honestly quite a good first effort, but see if you can now move into the next stage of becoming a poet-- exploring imagery. good luck!
-cloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.