After Class
#9
(04-19-2013, 11:07 PM)Todd Wrote:  
(04-19-2013, 02:47 PM)billy Wrote:  Miss Bennett taught me English and sex. --Great opening line. It flows nicely from the title.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear.
My English teacher was, she spoke poetry--These two lines feel like a punctuation issue. I like line 2 but maybe you want to end it with either a semicolon or add a comma if you add "but" on the next line. You would want a hard stop (period) after was and then capitalize She. Maybe that would smooth it out some.
to my cock; it mattered not what words were uttered,--The syntax of the second phrase is awkward. Maybe something more simple going into how words didn't matter. Look for more direct phrasing
only how she twisted her tongue round the vowels.--you may want an apostrophe before 'round. I like that its vowels. It fits really well with the scene.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue--I don't know if you need the her
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Bennett called me her novice at first, then begged
for me. She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,--I liked the smoked salmon weed part. I think I'd like to see that content before the novice line. The begged for more should probably be shown in some way rather than just told
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off.--The last line can work. I think where I had issue was from the end came quick and down. It felt a bit rushed. Those are the lines I'd mostly look at upon revision. How to end this one. Maybe try to allude back to the beginning somehow.
Just thoughts,

Todd
thanks oh wise one, i'll do an edit this afternoon. Ll2 was meant to be ended with a comma but what happened is this, after writing it i did a two or three times scan of it and just saw the cap M on the next line. it was automatic of me to end the previous line with a period Sad i'l sort that out. i'll also take heed of the points you made. thanks for the feedback Todd.

(04-20-2013, 06:20 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  ok, i can't give a line by line [todd's on its case], but fuck me I love this one! oh, and I have previously said I hate the word 'tits' but here it is so perfectly timed and just great. oh fuck, and the littlewoods ref. is just perfect! and 'embarrassingly' perfect likewiseSmile

my only, dare i say, 'issue' is that it is possibly a little too prosaic. I was thinking it need not have line breaks. but, I will have to look over it again, so don't take this as read.
not an excuse but i purposely used periods mid sentence for effect. i'm sure that could be redone, but i'd like to mull it over for a while.

thanks for the comment shem Smile
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Messages In This Thread
After Class - by billy - 04-19-2013, 02:47 PM
RE: After Class - by Smiffy - 04-19-2013, 03:40 PM
RE: After Class - by billy - 04-19-2013, 03:45 PM
RE: After Class - by Smiffy - 04-19-2013, 04:49 PM
RE: After Class - by milo - 04-19-2013, 06:00 PM
RE: After Class - by billy - 04-19-2013, 06:57 PM
RE: After Class - by Todd - 04-19-2013, 11:07 PM
RE: After Class - by billy - 04-20-2013, 07:26 AM
RE: After Class - by shemthepenman - 04-20-2013, 06:20 AM
RE: After Class - by popeye - 04-20-2013, 09:03 AM
RE: After Class - by Heartafire - 04-20-2013, 09:35 AM
RE: After Class - by billy - 04-20-2013, 06:31 PM
RE: After Class - by Todd - 04-21-2013, 05:09 AM
RE: After Class - by tectak - 04-21-2013, 10:51 PM
RE: After Class - by billy - 04-22-2013, 10:24 AM



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