04-19-2013, 11:07 PM
(04-19-2013, 02:47 PM)billy Wrote: Miss Bennett taught me English and sex. --Great opening line. It flows nicely from the title.Just thoughts,
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear.
My English teacher was, she spoke poetry--These two lines feel like a punctuation issue. I like line 2 but maybe you want to end it with either a semicolon or add a comma if you add "but" on the next line. You would want a hard stop (period) after was and then capitalize She. Maybe that would smooth it out some.
to my cock; it mattered not what words were uttered,--The syntax of the second phrase is awkward. Maybe something more simple going into how words didn't matter. Look for more direct phrasing
only how she twisted her tongue round the vowels.--you may want an apostrophe before 'round. I like that its vowels. It fits really well with the scene.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue--I don't know if you need the her
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Bennett called me her novice at first, then begged
for me. She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,--I liked the smoked salmon weed part. I think I'd like to see that content before the novice line. The begged for more should probably be shown in some way rather than just told
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off.--The last line can work. I think where I had issue was from the end came quick and down. It felt a bit rushed. Those are the lines I'd mostly look at upon revision. How to end this one. Maybe try to allude back to the beginning somehow.
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
