04-19-2013, 08:39 PM
hello,
firstly, the title is great! if i saw it in an anthology I would go straight to it. Unfortunately, from the line 'to live or die' I was unable to not read Hamlet all over it. But, that is no big thing; I mean, saying 'hey, your poem reminds me a bit of Shakespeare [no less!]', must surely be an ego boost if nothing else
secondly, I must say that there is really something here. But i would suggest you are far too happy with your own ideas, or you don't trust the reader, which is to the detriment of the 'poetry'. Certain phrases are very interesting, but the language needs to be 'boned'. 'Lessons learned are loyal ghosts', very interesting line, but then 'there is a choice: to live or die / it haunts me all the time' jolts the flow. and this appears throughout; moments of creativity coupled with prosaic self-reflection.
try to trim it a bit, look for the poetry [of which there is plenty]. remove the 'I's and see how it looks then.
firstly, the title is great! if i saw it in an anthology I would go straight to it. Unfortunately, from the line 'to live or die' I was unable to not read Hamlet all over it. But, that is no big thing; I mean, saying 'hey, your poem reminds me a bit of Shakespeare [no less!]', must surely be an ego boost if nothing else
secondly, I must say that there is really something here. But i would suggest you are far too happy with your own ideas, or you don't trust the reader, which is to the detriment of the 'poetry'. Certain phrases are very interesting, but the language needs to be 'boned'. 'Lessons learned are loyal ghosts', very interesting line, but then 'there is a choice: to live or die / it haunts me all the time' jolts the flow. and this appears throughout; moments of creativity coupled with prosaic self-reflection.
try to trim it a bit, look for the poetry [of which there is plenty]. remove the 'I's and see how it looks then.