keep aware of cliche, L2, 6 and 7. be aware of lines that don't say enough. L2, 6, and 7.. most of the poem is tell. you explain what's happening. show the reader with an image or two. or make the narrative original and hold the readers attention. use some poetic devices other than line ends.
don't be despondent the feedback, my early stuff was way worse than this
don't be despondent the feedback, my early stuff was way worse than this
(04-19-2013, 03:50 AM)sunfury Wrote: Hello,
This isn't a particularly cheerful poem, but I had feelings that needed to be expressed some way.
I wish I could touch you without wanting to hurt myself
every time you are near
the pain creeps to the surface
a self defining torment that I can not let go
If I could love anything it would be you
I would love you so much
I would have to let you go
Protect you from the aberration I have become
Hate is what the abused call love
I can see you
and know you are better than that
Better than me
I wish I could touch you without wanting to hurt myself