04-18-2013, 02:39 AM
There are some pretty cool moments in this piece. I like the 'happiness drought' line. But, some of it is pretty cliche. Like "eats you up and spits you out", "demons under the bed", "taunting" and "torturing" side by side, "lay in a heap", etc. Also, I would suggest that you delve a bit more into the feelings instead of the info. Talking about the vein that may have popped tells the reader about cutting, but it doesn't really convey the feelings the character is experiencing. Get creative, try using more imagery, paint a picture. Good work 