Technicalities

[milo]

I'd like to know where to start revising, if I have a moment to look over this. Positive, negative feedback is appreciated- preferably also holding that you can pinpoint what you like or dislike so I can work on it. Thanks for reading!

We are at a park – I would trim the first 2 lines
what park is irrelevant –
it is a park,
with benches
and lampposts
like little, portable and the comma
fires, hell incandescent. I know you want "hell" for your discourse later but the line is so much better without it
It is late –
you do not need to know when – I would trim the first 2 lines again
late enough
that the world has
paused itself,
and you are probably
in bed, dreaming of eggs. this section is fine, maybe snip "probably"

I am not alone – snip the first 2 lines again
you know from my use of “we” –
and my friend removes
the crust from his egg sandwich,
as I debate him, "as we debate"
lacking a podium
and an obedient audience.

“There’s a subtle difference, someone mentioned the linebreaks already, so I won't beat this horse
I think,
between hell and a hand basket,”
I declare, and he watches,
contemplating.
“One you carry eggs in, and
the other you’re flayed alive in.” this line is weak

He nods, not in agreement, you use commas instead of correct grammar throughout and all the commas are starting to annoy
out of politeness,
the yoke dribbling
from his beard.
“Yes,” he agrees, “but they you definitely don't want he agrees here
are both words, and I exist,
you won’t deny that.” "you won't" or "you can't"?
I tell him that argument
doesn’t hold, that it’s unfair,
like comparing someone to Hitler,
but an eavesdropping lawyer
intervenes, stepping into our picnic,
and tells me I played well,
but that my friend has won,

and we all look out at the parking lot,
sick, eyes protruding, as we wonder "eyes protruding"? are you insects?
who set
our
cars
on
fire.

it is a park,
with benches
and lampposts
like little, portable fires,
incandescent.

late enough
that the world
has paused
and you are in bed
dreaming of eggs.

my friend removes
the crust from his egg sandwich,
as we debate
lacking a podium
and an obedient audience.

“There’s a subtle difference,
between hell and a hand basket,”
I declare and he watches,
contemplating.
“One you carry eggs in, and
the other you’re flayed alive in.”

He nods, not in agreement,
out of politeness,
the yoke dribbling
from his beard.
“Yes,” he agrees,
“but they are both words,
and I exist,you (can't) deny that.”

I tell him that argument
doesn’t hold, that it’s unfair,
like comparing someone to Hitler,
but an eavesdropping lawyer
intervenes, stepping into our picnic,
and tells me I played well,
but that my friend has won,

and we all look out at the parking lot,
wondering
who set our cars on fire.

I would start revising here

milo

---

Harsh, dude. These are not works I'm putting together everyday. These are old works I'm posting to try to get new perspective on them. This is a revision of an old work. And I am listening to EVERYTHING you say, so please stop accusing me of "rushing it to the pen." I'm taking it to you to get perspective. You don't have to tear me a new one every time I post. And geez. You don't have to just blatantly tell me I'm a bad writer. I thought I was a good writer, and was working on improving, but I guess I'm just a terrible writer, and I'm inhibiting my progress and wasting your time. Sorry about that.

Never worry about being a "bad writer", I have written more crap and certainly crappier than this, you need to learn to separate yourself emotionally from what you have written once you post it to "serious". If you still feel emotionally attached or if you feel it isn't up to your usual standard, just post in "mild". I post some stuff in mild as well as some stuff in "for fun".

milo