04-17-2013, 07:53 AM
Hi,
I really like where you're going with this, with the drug allusions and the story
But the rhymes sounds forced and clumsy in most places. I'd suggest free verse, if the rhymes don't seem to come natural.
Also, some of your sentences didn't make much sense. It lacks cohesiveness, as if you wrote the sentence just for the sake of it to rhyme. Lines 3-6 I found the weakest, and most confusing. Maybe you could expand the poem a bit, add some strong images and sentences, to really capture the story you want to portray.
I'm awfully sorry if I sound too critical. I just see a lot of potential in the poem, so I get carried away
I really like where you're going with this, with the drug allusions and the story
But the rhymes sounds forced and clumsy in most places. I'd suggest free verse, if the rhymes don't seem to come natural.
Also, some of your sentences didn't make much sense. It lacks cohesiveness, as if you wrote the sentence just for the sake of it to rhyme. Lines 3-6 I found the weakest, and most confusing. Maybe you could expand the poem a bit, add some strong images and sentences, to really capture the story you want to portray.
I'm awfully sorry if I sound too critical. I just see a lot of potential in the poem, so I get carried away