04-17-2013, 07:15 AM
You've done a good job of making it clear it is an extended metaphor of drugs without actually saying drugs by using words like needle, vein, rehab, etc. 
What is bringing it down is the rhyme though - a lot of your lines seem awkward and unnatural because you've tried to make them rhyme. Consider coming up with some solid lines, and then seeing if you can make them rhyme (or have a look at free verse perhaps). It doesn't flow very well because of the varying line lengths, something you could look at snipping here and there.
Also there are a few unanswered questions - you 'want to take so much' of something...what is that? It's not explained. Drugs? The person they admire? Love?
Just a few things to have a think about
What is bringing it down is the rhyme though - a lot of your lines seem awkward and unnatural because you've tried to make them rhyme. Consider coming up with some solid lines, and then seeing if you can make them rhyme (or have a look at free verse perhaps). It doesn't flow very well because of the varying line lengths, something you could look at snipping here and there.
Also there are a few unanswered questions - you 'want to take so much' of something...what is that? It's not explained. Drugs? The person they admire? Love?
Just a few things to have a think about
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)