Technicalities

[Todd]

Hi Ganman, I enjoyed the tone of this one. The speaker was quirky enough to engage me. Comments below:

I'd like to know where to start revising, if I have a moment to look over this. Positive, negative feedback is appreciated- preferably also holding that you can pinpoint what you like or dislike so I can work on it. Thanks for reading!

We are at a park –
what park is irrelevant –--think which instead of what
it is a park,
with benches
and lampposts
like little, portable--I'd consider pulling fires up. I think it would make the break better
fires, hell incandescent.--I do happen to like the phrasing here

It is late –
you do not need to know when –
late enough
that the world has--again not a strong break in my opinion I'd be tempted to pull paused up and pull the "and you are probably" up to join itself
paused itself,
and you are probably
in bed, dreaming of eggs.

I am not alone –
you know from my use of “we” –--maybe add previous before "use"
and my friend removes
the crust from his egg sandwich,
as I debate him,
lacking a podium
and an obedient audience.

“There’s a subtle difference,
I think,
between hell and a hand basket,”
I declare, and he watches,
contemplating.
“One you carry eggs in, and--I don't like the break on "and" consider breaking after in or pulling the other up a line maybe
the other you’re flayed alive in.”

He nods, not in agreement,
out of politeness,--you could condense to "He nods, in politeness"
the yoke dribbling
from his beard.
“Yes,” he agrees, “but they
are both words, and I exist,
you won’t deny that.”

I tell him that argument
doesn’t hold, that it’s unfair,
like comparing someone to Hitler,--condense: I tell him that's like comparing...
but an eavesdropping lawyer
intervenes, stepping into our picnic,--I don't think you need intervenes. You could simply rephrase and have the action happen "steps into our picnic" There's a lot of hesitation in the narrative that doesn't have to be there
and tells me I played well,
but that my friend has won,

and we all look out at the parking lot,
sick, eyes protruding, as we wonder--I like eyes protruding
who set
our
cars
on
fire.--These breaks don't build suspense and the line would be quite strong and surprising done as one line. If you want hesitation maybe introduce a break after wonder and set this last line alone as its own strophe.

I hope some of that is helpful.

Best,

Todd