Technicalities

[tectak]

I'd like to know where to start revising, if I have a moment to look over this. Positive, negative feedback is appreciated- preferably also holding that you can pinpoint what you like or dislike so I can work on it. Thanks for reading!

We are at a park –
what park is irrelevant – Which park....and you are right. So are the dashes
it is a park,You repeat yourself. Even as a device it comes across as pseudo-stylistic.
with benches
and lampposts
like little, portable
fires, hell incandescent. I once went to a park. Hell, it was the SAME one! Is all this going somewhere? You are falling over with the weight of simplistic imagery. Let your reader in. "Hell incandescent" has a use descriptively but it is a little like saying a sparkler is like a thermic lance. Oratorial overkill or pupil dilation...not sure which. Pupil as in eye.

It is late –
you do not need to know when – ditto. You are a style-slave
late enough
that the world has
paused itself,This disconnects from line two. Are you aware that I don't need to know this? So why tell me ANYTHING about it? Be careful of disconnects like this.[/b]
and you are probablyWho you? I am not in bed. Who in bed?
in bed, dreaming of eggs.Why do I like this? Oh oh. Am I a pigeon?

I am not alone –
you know from my use of “we” – Oh come on now. This is not worthy. Drop this silly device. It has no merit...in fact, it patronises in not a good way. I think you have an idea but you are pushing it too much without telling us why we should buy it.
and my friend removes
the crust from his egg sandwich,
as I debate him,
lacking a podium
and an obedient audience.As a genre, this kind of doldrum delivery is bound to become tedious to read because the (interest) X (passion) product is so low. If something is hugly interesting you can get away with doldrum delivery. If something is only of a modicum of interest you can get away with it by igniting the text and putting some fire in to the delivery. Here, you are giving me useless information in a boring way. Maybe I am a pigeon.

“There’s a subtle difference, I am looking forward to this subtlety
I think, I was going to say that that is because you are...but I am not so sure Unworthy comment from me on an unworthy comment from you. Quits
between hell and a hand basket,”
I declare, and he watches,Listens may be a better word. He is, after all, removing the crust from a sandwich containing, as we later discover, a very runny egg. He needs his eyes to carry out this difficult operation...but he can listen
contemplating.What? Pensively may be a better word. There are many better words. Your poem.
“One you carry eggs in, and
the other you’re flayed alive in.”Now, if that is subtle difference then this, put subtly, is shite. It is going no where and may even be coming back.This is another disconnect. You have forgotten what you wrote earlier. Read your work. Hmmm. You know, there is a kind of fascination in this which is like watching a fine thespian play a part which is beneath him....yet he manages to pull the audience along just because we like his voice. Again, though, I can tell we are going all philosophical. The muse can do that when she is bored. I am getting sleepy.

He nods, not in agreement,
out of politeness,
the yoke dribbling
from his beard.
“Yes,” he agrees, “but they
are both words, and I exist, A hand basket? Welcome to Handbasket World! Please tell me that this is not what you meant. If it is then I am way out of my depth. This is just too profound. Better yet...tell me what you DO mean. And if it is existentialism or any other old chestnut just forget it. It has been roasted before.
you won’t deny that.”

I tell him that argument
doesn’t hold, that it’s unfair,
like comparing someone to Hitler,
but an eavesdropping lawyer
intervenes, stepping into our picnic,
and tells me I played well,
but that my friend has won,but me no buts.

and we all look out at the parking lot,
sick, eyes protruding, as we wonder
who set
our
cars
on
fire.This
is the
best
line in
the piece
and so
I am not
surprised
you strung it
out.....but I am damned if I can see how this line breaking it helps.

You do not want crit. I know this. By your arrogant (sorry, but this is a comment on the STYLE of the piece.) expressed belief in your style you are limiting your own abilities. Many aspirants deny the disciplines of rhyme, rhythm and form but still manage to conceptualise and captivate by imagery, metaphor ( a park light is like incandescent hell is not what I mean) and by rich content. This piece seems totally reliant upon a misconception that listening to a very trite, terse and inconclusive debate between two neophytes in a nameless park is in any way earth shattering. There are only a few ways to shatter earth...this is not one of them.
Suggestions.
Stop posting stuff before the ink is dry. Read it, then read it again. You will like it because you wrote it...now, try to hate it a little. Knock it about, massage it, cut it, abuse it, make it squeal....because if you don't...others will.
You are rushing your work. Ideas are not like race cars. To overwork this metaphor, they are like a slow train..each connected to the next and compatible. The are made to connect. You DO disconnects too often.
Best,
tectak
You also want to be a good writer. In this I wish you well and suggest you read "Put it in Writing" by John Whale. It is like a bible. Don't believe anything if it doesn't work for you, but wonder that it is all in there.