04-16-2013, 07:02 AM
I think the start is too abstract and then the last two lines are too direct.
A lot of abstract descriptions at the start, very vague, they could show a lot of themes. And then suddenly - oh - you've named it. Psychosis. The directness of it doesn't work for me.
If you could blend it together a bit more, mention things associated illnesses before, pills, etc (without being cheesy) I think it would have a better impact.
A lot of abstract descriptions at the start, very vague, they could show a lot of themes. And then suddenly - oh - you've named it. Psychosis. The directness of it doesn't work for me.
If you could blend it together a bit more, mention things associated illnesses before, pills, etc (without being cheesy) I think it would have a better impact.
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)