An Ode to People

[Ganman]

hi Ganman
I've had the "abstraction-ism" discussion here before, on one of my own poems... I defended it too at that point, but here's what it boils down to: this poem isn't memorable. and even though there are some great lines in there (love this: "because I won’t be a cynic on my porch" and actually that whole stanza... I guess because they have images?) I don't come away with anything specific in my head. except for a satellite, a porch and green faced kids, which comprise an itty bitty part. so keep your ideas, but work in some pictures for me to draw in my head.
that said, I feel this could work well as spoken word, with minimal tweaking.
anyway good luck with the revision!
-cloudy

You know, I don't think this reflects on me as an overall poet. Writing a bad poem now and again doesn't mean you're a poor poet. I just branched off in another direction, and I wasn't quite familiar enough with spoken word to make it work. This time, anyway.

I'm thinking I'll probably send this more in the direction of lyrical narrative, but does anybody have any advice for how to write an original spoken word poem, without coming off as hokey? I now feel like I'm deficient in that area... like I took my relative success in one area and let myself become overconfident.

Thank you, Cloudy. You're right. This poem needs more image and less concept. A concept is a launching point, not a finished product.

And I don't think I'm going to let it stew, Tek. It's not all bad. It just needs a lot of refinement. I actually have a pretty good idea of where I'm going to take it now, using some of your comments as inspiration, particularly Milo's. I think I'll nest the lyrical humanism in a character and maybe satirize him.