04-15-2013, 11:54 PM
hey Gary
having been following this thread, here are my humble thoughts:
the story you're trying to get across is poignant and worth telling. but your poem isn't telling it, seeing as you've had to explain yourself completely (I had read it before the explanation was put up and hadn't understood a thing). to me what you've written here is lovely but the story gets lost, especially in the religious references. this type of poetry isn't really my thing, and I'd be tempted to suggest that you write out the same story in free verse and see what you come up with. maybe it'll be trash, but it might at least get you going in the right direction for this one. just a thought. =]
-cloudy
having been following this thread, here are my humble thoughts:
the story you're trying to get across is poignant and worth telling. but your poem isn't telling it, seeing as you've had to explain yourself completely (I had read it before the explanation was put up and hadn't understood a thing). to me what you've written here is lovely but the story gets lost, especially in the religious references. this type of poetry isn't really my thing, and I'd be tempted to suggest that you write out the same story in free verse and see what you come up with. maybe it'll be trash, but it might at least get you going in the right direction for this one. just a thought. =]
-cloudy
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.