An Ode to People

[Ganman]

After some consideration, I'm going to disagree with your criticism, Milo. If I want to write about the human race, I'll write about the human race. With that in mind, can you give me something constructive? "Don't try to be a philosopher" is not exactly helpful advice.


Continued feedback is appreciated.

It isn't the topic that is the problem, it is the writing itself, much can be written about the human race. It is tough to go through so many lines 1 by 1 but each one seems to carry the burden of needing strength.

Start with the first strophe. Your narrator mentions that they know there are possibilities beneath trees? This thought is never realized later, so why mention the trees?

The satellites? What ever happened to the possibilities?

There are a full 7 strophes of a grammatically incorrect run on sentence?

I guess out of all of it I liked the idea of young people with green faces like buried saplings because it makes me laugh, but I am not sure that part was supposed to be funny or not.

The narrator goes on and on about what he thinks in a rather tiresome and unrefreshing way and I don't really know enough about the narrator to care other than to find him rather odious and perhaps hope the world will end just to spite him.

Still, good luck with it.

milo

Ah, okay. Well, that's a little more helpful. Thank you. The grammar admittedly wasn't as big of a priority as it should have been- I could have just left out the punctuation and used line breaks as the structure- but I did put a bandage on it for now with some semicolons.

I want to keep the tone, but you and Todd seem to be touching on some pretty similar issues. There's too much lecture and very little imagery. I guess, to an extent, I see what you mean about the unrelatable narrator. I can't promise anything, but I'm definitely going to rework the piece, with similar ideas/content.

I'm glad I brought this here before submitting. And thank you Todd! Your specific details have been rather helpful.

I'll be getting back to this soon, probably today or tomorrow. I'm sure I can make this work with several major overhauls/a clean rewrite with similar concepts. Then we'll see if people like this a little more.