An Ode to People

[Todd]

Hi Ganman, here are some comments below:

This might work as a spoken piece, but on paper there are simply a lot of statements you share that don't seem to evoke any emotional power. Try reading this in a monotone voice without much inflection and see what still holds some power to it.

It's 3 AM, which means another day, another poem.

I'd like to post another one of my submissions, something I'm turning in for a class today. Whatever feedback you have is appreciated.

Anyway, an Ode to People:

I know there are possibilities
beneath the trees
and under the brimming seas
that satellites haven’t seen,--The opening isn't bad.

thoughts never processed and assimilated,
ideas never registered,--The idea of the satellites seeing actions but being unable to see thoughts isn't a bad one. Moving cerebral rather than showing what the satellites see but fail to understand isn't likely the best choice. It may be better to display a scene and then demonstrate the misunderstanding through some action.

not because my brain dreams them –
mine is weary and growing lackluster,

because I must believe humanity
is not near stagnating,
decomposing

with the onset of nuclear war
or the coming of some dreary tide,

because at every time,
we sat where we do now, with a thought
on our tongues,
lacking language to effect itself,
because a notion of beauty and progress as transitory,
disposable in a larger scheme,
is well and good in a hypothetical setting,
but not in my world, not for the wonderful people--this entire sequence feels like a set of propositions to me. It doesn't evoke an emotional response from me. The old telling vs showing thing. I'd like more show.

who make this land shine everywhere,
in our extolling and in our hubris,
in the ravages and banishments
which tear our cores asunder.--again statements extolling in our hubris...what does that look like? This all feels like its the ideas that are ten thousand feet above the poem. I'd like to see you get a few layers closer. It feels more like the poem is the satellite when what it should be is bringing us inside the people. If that makes sense

I’ll choose to believe against the statistics –
single, married, male, female, black, white –
poor, wealthy, son, daughter, damned –
which daily limit us,--I don't mind the idea again but it's a list and then a statement.

because I won’t be a cynic on my porch,
elderly with frail and rotting bones,
rocking, condemning the passing youth
with green faces like buried saplings,--Here you step back and show us something. You take us deeper. This strophe is good.

because we’ve transcended the skies
and lifted the lid of Heaven,
where God itself sat as a general pacing,
gone to war with the certainties--I'm not sure transcended the skies is necessary. You could condense to "because we've lifted the lid of Heaven" (Nice phrasing that) I'd also consider ending on sat. I like the opening the end gets too cerebral "war with the certainties" again feels a bit flat

we daily propagate,
the forces which move particles
and ruin nations,--This feels a bit too sweeping, and a bit vague

accomplishments, some terrifying,
grisly, macabre, but some flourishing,
synthetically picturesque,
like sculptures of long-dead guardians,--this last line is interesting everything else is just another list that feels vague

who thought and educated the masses,
who fought and remained steadfast against battalions,
who sought and motivated withering husks.--again, go a few layers deeper

I deny that we will decline and expire,
that we are predictable,
our fates inescapable,
because I am human,

and I don’t believe
we should die forgotten,
consumed by the oblivions
which elicited our existences
among the constellations.--these last two strophes could be made to work. I'm not sure I like the direct declaration of the narrator, but that said if you brought in a more primitive astrology earlier and blended the ideas of people always being observed and ruled from above your last line (which I like) might hit harder

I'm not sure how helpful these comments will be. I struggled with this some. I like the ideas, but I needed more from the execution.

Oh well, just thoughts to consider.

Best,

Todd