The Lighthouse Keeper edit 1,billy,ganman

[tectak]

Now that I'm really able to look at it (the lack of stanza division made it a bit hard to examine) I'm going to suggest yet another form related change. You ought to do more with line breaks, I think. I get that you're working with a fixed form, but the form isn't quite perfect. Try tweaking it a bit. See if you can further break up those long lines. I think if you were able to divide some of these lines into two lines, it would actually help you out, with some modification of course. As is, this looks too much like prose -- the lines are too long, and I worry you're not using the medium quite well enough.

Otherwise, try reworking it a bit. If you're sticking to a closed form, make sure to stick to the closed form... keep the end rhyme strictly consistent. Sometimes, what I do with more high brow poems such as this is I neglect the end rhyme, and just worry about rhyme consistency. You can work internal rhyme and end rhyme together just as well, so that you *mimic* a fixed form, which would mean you still get that mythical or archaic feel you're aiming for. I think I see some of that already, and it almost makes the strict attention to form more obvious than it should be.

Those are my thoughts, anyway. I really like the subject matter though, and I think you have a great poem here.

Hi ganman,
We may be out of synch a little here. The edit is up. The line breaks in. Those on this site who know me know I push for longer lines. It is, for most, an easy way of getting where you want to go without reducing options. It is easier to shorten than to lengthen...I agree, content is all, so I begin with prose and then decide on form...or not. I get it wrong more often than I get it right, but very much enjoy the editing process. No prima donna.
Best,
tectak