Stubs of My Love

[c_cwilliams]

just a revision of my last comments. I completely misread this poem. I didn't read the comments before posting my crit. and I was sure it was about something else. I feel like a twat, but I thought it was about war, a soldier, the canker of patriotism... covered by a veil of romantic love. In which case ignore all about 'substance over style' etc. because it lacks both.

the prerequisite is that we give feedback, not that we read others comments first, in this instance i'd say you feedback was untainted by the feedback or replies of others.

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there are a glut of clichés. you mix your metaphors to easily. ants do work well with cocoons or butterflies, stick with one per stanza at most or else it gets sticky. pick out the best part and flesh it out with something original. i do get the gist of the poems intent but it's been said a million times in a similar way already. don't mix your metaphors and don't try to be too clever, be honest and straight forword you can add the clever stuff once you have a decent core for your poem.

thanks for the read.

The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back the last two lines are weak and cliche. you need something more original


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor another cliche
You dropped it with each loosened grasp feels too wordy, create something more. imagination and originality is the name of the game
You ran away, you have yet to look back
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay again the lines are too wordy


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies
This heart, now covered in Ant bites ant
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love
This oak, it’s as strong as steel
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain not sure what this line means.

Thanks for the lovely feedback! I agree, I think I tried to make it too clever without giving the reader a good sense of what I am writing about.

FYI, the last line "Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain" is a reference to star crossed lovers, Romeo and Juliet. "waiting to land" is suggesting we are both waiting for the right time for this relationship to work.

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The sun rises upon an untouched horizon If the sun's rising on this horizon then how is it untouched?
Another chance to prove my heart
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back I rather like this image of the lover running with the narrator's heart.


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor
You dropped it with each loosened grasp This line implies that the lover kept dropping it again and again, which I'm not sure makes sense. If the lover keeps dropping it, then why does it matter? The narrator should be used to it by now.
You ran away, you have yet to look back Didn't the narrator tell the lover to never look back? This line suggests that they're angry with the lover for not doing so.
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay The next verse indicates that the heart is decaying, so this line feels redundant.


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies Why are "butterflies" and "ant" in the next line capitalised?
This heart, now covered in Ant bites This is another good image. Dark and gruesome.
Each prick a small, beautiful memory Very good.
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony Subtle and powerful.


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love A neat poetic idea, kind of moving.
This oak, it’s as strong as steel
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship A very good line.


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain This line feels slightly inane, and the poem would be stronger, I think, if it ended on the previous line.

Your narrative and some of your ideas are very muddled, but there's also rich, poetic lines here. I think if you focus a bit more on what you're trying to say about your two characters and love in general then you could make a really spectacular poem. Critique is JMHO, and thanks for the read

Fantastic! Thank you for the advice and the kind words!!