04-15-2013, 07:32 AM
Thanks all. Agree with the comments about rhyme scheme. I would've, and wanted to, vary the meter more, get some internal rhymes going, etc… but I don’t really know how to do that yet (not in a systemic way, anyhow). Might nix the trochee with odd lined caesuraes on future revision as it’s getting tiring, but I do want some (as was the original intent) sort of love poem-y form/meter. Don’t really know at the moment…
Pigalo- soot filled sky is meant to be literal. The contrast between it and the rays of a sunrise is meant to be a metaphor for the speaker’s pureness (as perceived by the N) as contrasted with the “rough thugs”. Same goes for the candle.
Ganman- If I can defend the first line a bit (only a little); “sainted lady” is supposed to be read as an insult. But I acknowledge it would, to say the least initially, be read as a cliche. Or does it not matter/does the reader care?
Pigalo- soot filled sky is meant to be literal. The contrast between it and the rays of a sunrise is meant to be a metaphor for the speaker’s pureness (as perceived by the N) as contrasted with the “rough thugs”. Same goes for the candle.
Ganman- If I can defend the first line a bit (only a little); “sainted lady” is supposed to be read as an insult. But I acknowledge it would, to say the least initially, be read as a cliche. Or does it not matter/does the reader care?