The Ageist Elderly Man with no Arms in the Parked Car

[Todd]

Hi Ganman,

Well let me give you some comments and see if I can help push you off one side of the fence. First off, I like the meta poetry. Most of the time this self reverential stuff doesn't work for me, but I like it here. I also like the title. It draws me in and makes me smile. It feels like the lead in for a joke. To the lines themselves:

I'm getting ready to submit some poems, and I'm on the fence about this one:

The Ageist Elderly Man with No Arms in the Parked Car

My author abandoned me,
an elderly man with no arms,
in a parked car.--Now, I'm having second thoughts about the title. This first strophe pretty much replays it with an interesting first line to give it context. I'm just not sure if the repetition buys you much. I'm for altering the title a bit before touching the lines.

He forgot to give me personality.
I’m flat, and all I do to find help
is yell at passing children,--Normally, I'd like more specific details here, but again saying that the character was written flat (badly) it sort of fits the writer's skills and the type of world that the character has been placed in

ignorant, with their Internet,
lazy, letting technology
cook their food.--Here I'm going to ask for more specificity that show more of the author's particular biases toward the young. Maybe an idea or a hurt in the author's past that this character gets to provide commentary on. If you made him break into some turgid exposition that might work. I see this character as a reverse Walter Mitty outwardly interesting, inwardly blah.

They throw rocks at the window,
spit at me through the glass.
I think he wrote them flat too.

He’s in the store, buying meatballs.
I wonder when he’ll come back.
They can’t be that hard to find.

They’re right next to the rolls,
I told him – aisle 13, frozen foods.
I really hate children.--great ending line

My initial feel is that I want more flourishes in this. I want them to be bad and bolted on. I want more references to bad tropes. What would maybe be interesting is if the old man receives help from one of the children like its one possible original idea breaking through only to have the old man go back to his final line regardless. Free will vs predestination with predestination winning.

I like the bones of it but feel it needs more.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd