04-15-2013, 05:12 AM
I love the imagery. I think you've got a lot going here. I got the references, biblical, social, etc. I dig it.
I think it could benefit from being a lot longer though, and you need a little more transition from the clincher to the close. How did we get from strong desire to hate? I understand what you're doing, but I think a little more depth would bring a lot more clarity.
Either way, you've chosen an enticing subject for your poem, and you capture it in an intriguing, though controversial, manner. You could definitely be more PC about it. I think your audience will appreciate you more for it, but that's ultimately up to you.
Honestly, the emotion of the poem is a little too self-indulgent for me, personally. To "transcend" that, you can capture your emotions, but pay close attention to the subject as well. Try to not merely look at it through the lens of your character- I think more perspective in this poem would benefit it.
I think it could benefit from being a lot longer though, and you need a little more transition from the clincher to the close. How did we get from strong desire to hate? I understand what you're doing, but I think a little more depth would bring a lot more clarity.
Either way, you've chosen an enticing subject for your poem, and you capture it in an intriguing, though controversial, manner. You could definitely be more PC about it. I think your audience will appreciate you more for it, but that's ultimately up to you.
Honestly, the emotion of the poem is a little too self-indulgent for me, personally. To "transcend" that, you can capture your emotions, but pay close attention to the subject as well. Try to not merely look at it through the lens of your character- I think more perspective in this poem would benefit it.