04-14-2013, 02:26 AM
I think it's a really lovely poem, and I love the atmosphere of the rainy day, the bus, the busy people...
2 things though:
1. I'd say I got on the bus today, instead of I went. I went technically works, but it's not really the said thing and it detracts from the beauty of your poem.
2. 'As in me' communicates your point but I don't think it's correct, so to speak. I'm not an expert on this, but I don't know if you can actually say as in me. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds a bit awkward to me. I'm afraid I can't offer a better alternative either.
Only 2 little things though, and I find it very fitting I'm reading this while it's pouring down outside.
2 things though:
1. I'd say I got on the bus today, instead of I went. I went technically works, but it's not really the said thing and it detracts from the beauty of your poem.
2. 'As in me' communicates your point but I don't think it's correct, so to speak. I'm not an expert on this, but I don't know if you can actually say as in me. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds a bit awkward to me. I'm afraid I can't offer a better alternative either.
Only 2 little things though, and I find it very fitting I'm reading this while it's pouring down outside.
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)