[content warning] Performer

[tectak]

Hey there. I'm new around these parts, have been writing poetry for years but have never managed to get anyone to give me any feedback. This is a first draft of a new poem which I wrote late last night, as such it has had very little editing besides correcting what was quickly visible to me. I have put a content warning since, although it only contains some references to drugs, it does contain some and I doubt kids would immediately 'get' it. Many thanks in advance!
Hello and welcome,
Just passing but time for a quick once-over. Line by line I think.


You've got both knees on the floor
preparing to put up your walls,Maybe full stop here. You have a complete sentence which ends nicely on "walls".
the little beach
on the toilet seat
says 'hello fame.'Cute and easy. Like. This is ging to be a stylstic piece, I just know it!

Only you would have a friend you cut
two lines in, then bottoms up
you always said you'd be a starI really want to pause right here. Anything would do but it's your poem so you get the call. For me? I guess a full stop would not offend. The next two lines cry out for statement status, give them due by pausing after "star".
now it’s time to live your dreams
and show them that you are.Yes. Crisp.

And it’s true you shine the brightest hereSteady up a bit. I have just read this stanza and the bell is cracked. Drop to next line...
but it isn't hard when you're hyper-realNow I like and understand this SENTENCE. So dignify it. There MUST be a full stop after "hyper-real"
neon colours in the greyI have problems with the syntax in this NEW sentence. Is "colours" noun or verb? You write:
" Neon colours in the grey artificially, lighting them astray" . Read it. See it. A few questions but what or who is/are "them". Needs tidying. Not sure about "...lighting (?) astray", either.
artificially,
lighting them astray.

You always were a pretty thingIn defense of the comma...this is where one should be. This is especially true as you begin the next line with an implied "you". To link to L1 a full stop would be too terminal.
lacked nerve but loved to sing...and in defense of the semi colon, this is where one should be.Look, you maybe think that punctuation is unnecessary. Fine....but this is my crit I read stuff out loud. Always have. That way, your poem becomes MY poem. Try it my way. Just as a favour!
and now you're cleaning up cards
just to find the strength to dance....very nice indeed. Worthy.

Whispering little rhymes,So. No comma here. It is spare. Put it in the stanza above
to yourselfNow we are in trouble.
You wrote "Whispering little rhymes, to yourself yes, you're everything you are, but you're someone else.." I think I will leave this line to you I think it is just a matter of pushing the punctuation marks about...I mean you are not short of the squiggly bits.
yes, you're everything you are,
but you're someone else
and this is the only way,
if your sparkle’s gonna
Make you famous, some day.Ditto here re. punctuation. Capital on "Make" (?).Don't think I am not reading this. It is very worthy. See the advice on posting in Serious Crit.

Hi ES,
This is me liking a piece! I may be obsessing over the punctuation but the concept and context does not leave much else to comment on. I think you got a neat balance between imagery and expectation...leaving me to happily fill in with my own interpretation in the certainty that I would not be far off the mark....I don't do obscure and this isn't. Like it very much.
Best,
tectak