04-13-2013, 04:06 PM
Hey there. I'm new around these parts, have been writing poetry for years but have never managed to get anyone to give me any feedback. This is a first draft of a new poem which I wrote late last night, as such it has had very little editing besides correcting what was quickly visible to me. I have put a content warning since, although it only contains some references to drugs, it does contain some and I doubt kids would immediately 'get' it. Many thanks in advance!
You've got both knees on the floor
preparing to put up your walls,
the little beach
on the toilet seat
says 'hello fame.'
Only you would have a friend you cut
two lines in, then bottoms up
you always said you'd be a star
now it’s time to live your dreams
and show them that you are.
And it’s true you shine the brightest here
but it isn't hard when you're hyper-real
neon colours in the grey
artificially,
lighting them astray.
You always were a pretty thing
lacked nerve but loved to sing
and now you're cleaning up cards
just to find the strength to dance.
Whispering little rhymes,
to yourself
yes, you're everything you are,
but you're someone else
and this is the only way,
if your sparkle’s gonna
Make you famous, some day.
You've got both knees on the floor
preparing to put up your walls,
the little beach
on the toilet seat
says 'hello fame.'
Only you would have a friend you cut
two lines in, then bottoms up
you always said you'd be a star
now it’s time to live your dreams
and show them that you are.
And it’s true you shine the brightest here
but it isn't hard when you're hyper-real
neon colours in the grey
artificially,
lighting them astray.
You always were a pretty thing
lacked nerve but loved to sing
and now you're cleaning up cards
just to find the strength to dance.
Whispering little rhymes,
to yourself
yes, you're everything you are,
but you're someone else
and this is the only way,
if your sparkle’s gonna
Make you famous, some day.