Stubs of My Love

[billy]

just a revision of my last comments. I completely misread this poem. I didn't read the comments before posting my crit. and I was sure it was about something else. I feel like a twat, but I thought it was about war, a soldier, the canker of patriotism... covered by a veil of romantic love. In which case ignore all about 'substance over style' etc. because it lacks both.

the prerequisite is that we give feedback, not that we read others comments first, in this instance i'd say you feedback was untainted by the feedback or replies of others.

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there are a glut of clichés. you mix your metaphors to easily. ants do work well with cocoons or butterflies, stick with one per stanza at most or else it gets sticky. pick out the best part and flesh it out with something original. i do get the gist of the poems intent but it's been said a million times in a similar way already. don't mix your metaphors and don't try to be too clever, be honest and straight forword you can add the clever stuff once you have a decent core for your poem.

thanks for the read.

The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back the last two lines are weak and cliche. you need something more original


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor another cliche
You dropped it with each loosened grasp feels too wordy, create something more. imagination and originality is the name of the game
You ran away, you have yet to look back
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay again the lines are too wordy


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies
This heart, now covered in Ant bites ant
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love
This oak, it’s as strong as steel
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain not sure what this line means.