Stubs of My Love

[c_cwilliams]

I don't mean to blast away at your poem with no real reason at all, but I'm going to be honest - there is nothing, whatsoever, that currently speaks about being in love with a married woman. There is no speak of marriage - the actual, direct word. It is probably best to explain what I'd do with this:

You dropped it with each loosened grasp ---- "Her indecisiveness on if she should stay in her marriage for because of outside influences, or be selfish and give herself to me. she's taken my heart, but hasn't "ran with it"

You're trying to explain 3 different points in one line - indecisiveness about marriage, because of outside influences, or being selfish and giving in. People have written books on deciding whether to cheat or not, one who can write it in one line would be hailed a king :-P

Expand on that, make it clear. Perhaps something like (and excuse how terrible it is, examples, examples ):

A binding decision made in vain;
locked inside by your own cage of morals.
Give in and you'd brand yourself selfish -
this is a battle that you'll never win.

If you had a stanza before that introducing that you love her but she's married, blah blah blah, then you'd have some real good understanding given to the reader. Don't scrap what you have, but expand on the good writing you've got. Strengthen it with a tale.

And as far as I know, ant is a common noun, and therefore isn't capitalised. They're horrible creatures either way

No worries for blasting at my poem, I posted this in serious to get the most honest feedback to help me improve. There is no such thing as bad criticism.
Fantastic, I appreciate your reply. I may have put too much into trying to make this poem sound ornate, rather than conveying an actual idea. This poem would be difficult to understand to anyone but the person writing.

Also, I enjoyed your example, well written and displays the idea I am attempting to go for.

Yes, either way, ants are terrible creatures

-Carson

---

just a revision of my last comments. I completely misread this poem. I didn't read the comments before posting my crit. and I was sure it was about something else. I feel like a twat, but I thought it was about war, a soldier, the canker of patriotism... covered by a veil of romantic love. In which case ignore all about 'substance over style' etc. because it lacks both.

Brutal, but honest.

Thank you for both comments on this.