04-13-2013, 07:00 AM
I don't mean to blast away at your poem with no real reason at all, but I'm going to be honest - there is nothing, whatsoever, that currently speaks about being in love with a married woman. There is no speak of marriage - the actual, direct word. It is probably best to explain what I'd do with this:
You dropped it with each loosened grasp ---- "Her indecisiveness on if she should stay in her marriage for because of outside influences, or be selfish and give herself to me. she's taken my heart, but hasn't "ran with it"
You're trying to explain 3 different points in one line - indecisiveness about marriage, because of outside influences, or being selfish and giving in. People have written books on deciding whether to cheat or not, one who can write it in one line would be hailed a king :-P
Expand on that, make it clear. Perhaps something like (and excuse how terrible it is, examples, examples
):
A binding decision made in vain;
locked inside by your own cage of morals.
Give in and you'd brand yourself selfish -
this is a battle that you'll never win.
If you had a stanza before that introducing that you love her but she's married, blah blah blah, then you'd have some real good understanding given to the reader. Don't scrap what you have, but expand on the good writing you've got. Strengthen it with a tale.
And as far as I know, ant is a common noun, and therefore isn't capitalised. They're horrible creatures either way
You dropped it with each loosened grasp ---- "Her indecisiveness on if she should stay in her marriage for because of outside influences, or be selfish and give herself to me. she's taken my heart, but hasn't "ran with it"
You're trying to explain 3 different points in one line - indecisiveness about marriage, because of outside influences, or being selfish and giving in. People have written books on deciding whether to cheat or not, one who can write it in one line would be hailed a king :-P
Expand on that, make it clear. Perhaps something like (and excuse how terrible it is, examples, examples
): A binding decision made in vain;
locked inside by your own cage of morals.
Give in and you'd brand yourself selfish -
this is a battle that you'll never win.
If you had a stanza before that introducing that you love her but she's married, blah blah blah, then you'd have some real good understanding given to the reader. Don't scrap what you have, but expand on the good writing you've got. Strengthen it with a tale.
And as far as I know, ant is a common noun, and therefore isn't capitalised. They're horrible creatures either way
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)