04-13-2013, 06:50 AM
I think this is an example of substance over style (although I don’t really believe the two should, or indeed can, be separated)... maybe, high concept poorly executed.
I shall go through some things that I thought when I first read it
the sun rises upon an untouched horizon
another chance to prove my heart --- I like the idea of a new day (untouched horizon), but, ‘to prove my heart’ although it is clear what you mean it sounds hokey. Although it is necessary for the next lines, so what to do?
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back --- and we think it is a love poem to that ‘special YOU’...
Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor
You dropped it with each loosened grasp --- this makes little sense (not that I am against making little sense, but I suspect it wasn’t your intention not to).
You ran away, you have yet to look back
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay --- ‘it’ has already appeared far to many times.
This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies --- the comma (incidentally a butterfly) is not required.
This heart, now covered with ant bits --- I thought of the old reference of ants to decay and etc... Dali maybe? not sure though. but still kinda liked this line.
Each prick a small, beautiful memory --- you know how to use commas I presume, as you are posting in serious, but I am not sure where I am (if that is the intention, then fair enough, but if not maybe you should consider revising).
What I’d give, to wake in your cocoon, instead of your colony --- ignoring punctuation now, but now we finally get the ‘you’... and the ‘point’ of the poem... was it worth it though?
the last stanza is hardly worth mentioning, so I won’t.
I suspect you have a lot of really cool and interesting ideas, but you have nothing interesting or readable or original in the way you express them. I hesitate to say it, but this is not poetry, it is at best an idea, poorly written.
I shall go through some things that I thought when I first read it
the sun rises upon an untouched horizon
another chance to prove my heart --- I like the idea of a new day (untouched horizon), but, ‘to prove my heart’ although it is clear what you mean it sounds hokey. Although it is necessary for the next lines, so what to do?
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back --- and we think it is a love poem to that ‘special YOU’...
Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor
You dropped it with each loosened grasp --- this makes little sense (not that I am against making little sense, but I suspect it wasn’t your intention not to).
You ran away, you have yet to look back
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay --- ‘it’ has already appeared far to many times.
This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies --- the comma (incidentally a butterfly) is not required.
This heart, now covered with ant bits --- I thought of the old reference of ants to decay and etc... Dali maybe? not sure though. but still kinda liked this line.
Each prick a small, beautiful memory --- you know how to use commas I presume, as you are posting in serious, but I am not sure where I am (if that is the intention, then fair enough, but if not maybe you should consider revising).
What I’d give, to wake in your cocoon, instead of your colony --- ignoring punctuation now, but now we finally get the ‘you’... and the ‘point’ of the poem... was it worth it though?
the last stanza is hardly worth mentioning, so I won’t.
I suspect you have a lot of really cool and interesting ideas, but you have nothing interesting or readable or original in the way you express them. I hesitate to say it, but this is not poetry, it is at best an idea, poorly written.