04-13-2013, 06:14 AM
You ought really try to give this a regular metre and rhythm.
There's several examples, here's the most blatant
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony
That's the main thing, the 5th and 6th line could usefully be swapped around.
The narrative takes a wrong turn here
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay
watch it decay - would surely make more sense
There's several examples, here's the most blatant
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony
That's the main thing, the 5th and 6th line could usefully be swapped around.
The narrative takes a wrong turn here
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay
watch it decay - would surely make more sense
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.