04-13-2013, 05:28 AM
The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart First two lines are alright, if not overused
But first you must take it Take what? Your heart?
Run with it and never look back Take your heart where?
Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor Ok, so your heart is hurt
You dropped it with each loosened grasp Why would she drop it?
You ran away, you have yet to look back So she did what you said
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay Unclear what this is all about
This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies cliche
This heart, now covered in Ant bites Capitalised ant for no reason
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony I like this metaphor and the explanation, the best part of the poem
The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love Really weak line, for an alright description to follow
This oak, it’s as strong as steel cliche
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship The description is alright, not great. It seems awkwardly put.
Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain Did you forget to post the rest of the poem? A single last line that doesn't add anything.
Your actual poetic devices are, in some cases, good. I like the ant bite description. The main problem is you've sacrificed any real meaning for things that sound nice. It's about love, and really, that's as much as you can solidly gather. Look at what you want to really get across, and build it around there, rather than think about what sounds nice and try and fit it in.
Another chance to prove my heart First two lines are alright, if not overused
But first you must take it Take what? Your heart?
Run with it and never look back Take your heart where?
Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor Ok, so your heart is hurt
You dropped it with each loosened grasp Why would she drop it?
You ran away, you have yet to look back So she did what you said
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay Unclear what this is all about
This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies cliche
This heart, now covered in Ant bites Capitalised ant for no reason
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony I like this metaphor and the explanation, the best part of the poem
The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love Really weak line, for an alright description to follow
This oak, it’s as strong as steel cliche
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship The description is alright, not great. It seems awkwardly put.
Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain Did you forget to post the rest of the poem? A single last line that doesn't add anything.
Your actual poetic devices are, in some cases, good. I like the ant bite description. The main problem is you've sacrificed any real meaning for things that sound nice. It's about love, and really, that's as much as you can solidly gather. Look at what you want to really get across, and build it around there, rather than think about what sounds nice and try and fit it in.
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)