To Drink and Drive

[tectak]

Thankyou again for critique - you've confirmed my fears. Perhaps this is a tale better written in prose rather than poetry (as the original was). It seems I've taken a step backwards with my edit.

Do you think it is worth the salvaging as it is, or am I flogging a dead horse? I understand where I've gone wrong, but I'm not sure what is in it worth saving - if any.

Would it work better if I was to cut a lot of the complicated story and focus more on the drink driving? I don't want it to be comedically depressed and sombre, or OTT.

Thanks

Hi amy
Hearse verse is very difficult. First person hearse verse is more difficult still. Terse hearse verse in first person is something I would not tackle. So what to do?
Change one or two of the difficulties.
You need first person because you a relying on prerorgative insight to pull this one off. Keep it. The story is about death so you cannot get rid of the hearse verse. Keep it. It uses terse stanzas...and that is where you get into difficulties. You are right about the prose. I suggest you write out a clear, fully informative story. Use no poetic devices per se but let your metaphors and intuitively emotional ability take you over. Write it in sentences and feel the flow. Write it in paragraphs to get the "blocks" in place.Read it out loud....to someone else if possible.Adjust it until it works with breathing. Now start the line out process. Try to make the line breaks hit the natural stops and pauses rather than just because a break here looks nice or pseudo (faux) poetic .
Do not give up on a piece. Store it ,as todd does ,if you do not feel it is ready....or write about flogging a dead horse.....that'll get the tears jerking.
Best,
tectak
all is opinion.