To Drink and Drive

[tectak]

First Edit

I've taken what isn't cliche and awkward and written it around that. I'm not sure how this edit has gone, I feel as I already know the story I struggle to see if it's too unclear.

It was another accident.
I reached down to pick up
that bouquetWhat made you do this "that" in italics or at all? The linkage between accident and bouquet cannot be made with so few bricks.....just why is there an accidental bouquet down there? Why that one, why not this one? How many bouquets are lying there? Sorry, amy, but it is going backwards.
Just another accident on a rainy day.
On the pavement, flecked with gum,
A sodden bouquet lay.
...or something. Your poem

Sodden petals stuck to the ground;
drowning amongst speckled gum
carelessly thrown by a road hog. Far too preachy and moralising. There but for the grace of what's 'is name

Cath's voice shattered the dead air
and her words hit me.
They were splashed with familiar blood -
but now, laced with whiskey. Syntax all over the place.Familiar(?) or familial. What does the "they" refer to? WHAT WHERE HER WORDS? WE NEED TO KNOW! Drop the dash. It means nothing and punctuates less.

The sound scorched Cath's throat,
making it as dry as that day
when she lost her kin Very weak stanza. Dry as a day? Syntax. Dry as on the day. Still poor, though. A bigger problem, I am lost in time, now...or then

We started the journey home. Who we? Who got dead? You know...tell me. Lost it.
I preached your goodness once - Whose? This is now a car crash. Well, I got that right...or not
did I spit lies on your behalf?

You drank, then drove.
You also nursed my scraped knees,
tested the smoke alarm every Sunday.

I would not have shed so many tears -
if I had known. With a tap of the brakes,
I rolled up the ramp into the hall. Who gives a damn about your driving technique? Does this matter? Hasn't someone died. Oh yes...I stirred my coffee clockwise.
I sat and waited for her to take my coat off. Unclear. Was "she" wearing your coat? You see, this is how I read things....and I am not alone. Think about your reader first and last...assuming that is why you posted
I sat and wondered - cat sat on mat...sometimes I sit and think...sometimes I just sit...humpty dumpty sat on a wall...sat is a doing nothing word...and it does nothing.
How could I forgive you now? Quite

Hi amy,
Now I feel guilty but not retractive. For those who like content to be "Lassie come Home" then weep on...but this is just such a loose fitting garment you can get anything in to it. Tighten it. Make it fit. Tailored. Make it hang beautifully. The content does nothing for me, nor should it.Look.

My babies dead
her tiny head
lays on the bed.
I should have said
I love you more
but I just snore.

Some will find great emotional merit in that ten second terse-hearse-verse.
Pap.
You are sailing close.
Best,
tectak
[/b]
____________________________________________________________Original

It was another accident.
I reached down to pick up
the withered,
decayed bouquet
that littered the dull grey pavement.

With clammy hands
My aunt placed another
against the lamp post
refreshing this scene
and the faded memories I have.

When we stopped in silence
I wondered if ever, anyone
had given a passing thought -
if the speeding drivers
knew it could be them next.

Her voice shattered the dead air
and her words fell on me
like shards of a mirror,
covering my broken reflections
with blood and whiskey.

Unspoken truths - now I know.
How could you be so careless?
You drank, then drove.
you also nursed my scraped knees,
Tested the smoke alarm every Sunday.

How could you?
as my aunt broke into tears,
full of tense guilt, unrestrained
her eyes inked red with despair.
We started the journey home.

She put the handbrake on outside the door.
I would not have shed so many tears, if I had known.
Aunt pushed me up the ramp into the hall.
I sat and waited for her to take my coat off.
I sat and wondered -

How could I forgive you now?