I first saw him eight years ago
#9
(04-12-2013, 03:16 PM)billy Wrote:  done that way, the first two lines give or have no point of reference. as far as a connection to the but line goes. it's not tying in properly (i could be wrong of course but from my pov it's disjointed.
Hm. I was hoping to get the subject-verb in with this cheat. And oddly, I feel aversion to just putting them there on the first line. Why? It feels like I'm getting too prosy as well as putting my thumb in the reader's eye.

Yet I don't want it to cause a problem for the reader.

I won’t look again to see
that man who bleared back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,
and shakes every night down this street.

Instead I’ll see my dash light, glowing green,
or the swaying red light in dusk,
while he shakes the exit door without a handle;
it’s not meant for those wanting in.

Does he seek the shelter one block over?
And where’s the fat one that he staggered with when last I saw him?

Will he live the night?

Oh well.

The light’s green, now.

I’ll go home,
but I won’t look.
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Messages In This Thread
I first saw him eight years ago - by NakedBear - 04-11-2013, 03:21 PM
RE: I first saw him eight years ago - by billy - 04-11-2013, 04:28 PM
RE: I first saw him eight years ago - by billy - 04-11-2013, 04:58 PM
RE: I first saw him eight years ago - by billy - 04-12-2013, 02:12 PM
RE: I first saw him eight years ago - by billy - 04-12-2013, 03:16 PM
RE: I first saw him eight years ago - by NakedBear - 04-12-2013, 03:48 PM



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