04-11-2013, 10:59 PM
The line about the creep cats coming to town would work, but all the lines leading up to the last lines take away from the mood and atmosphere. The images are too mixed up in rhymes that make the message feel too commonplace.
Though I think the second stanza is the best.
But nonsense can be sinsister.
If you said something like, but much better than:
Birds fly in circles around;
up is right, down is left
and dead on the ground.
They sing no more songs
when the creep cats come to town.
But really you can just try to smooth out the lines you already have.
Though I think the second stanza is the best.
But nonsense can be sinsister.
If you said something like, but much better than:
Birds fly in circles around;
up is right, down is left
and dead on the ground.
They sing no more songs
when the creep cats come to town.
But really you can just try to smooth out the lines you already have.