04-11-2013, 08:10 AM
I've read this over a few times now, and although there are lots of little bits that don't quite click, there's still something fundamental about it that I like and find compelling.
Personally I'd be tempted to break all the final lines in two, so that "when the creep cats come to town" stands completely alone at the close of each stanza.
The 4th and 5th stanzas feel strongest for me; it sort of starts a little bit Dr. Suess but gathers menace and weight as each stanza goes on. I think it would definitely repay a bit more playing with the rhyme and imagery to make it that little bit taughter, but there's something there, lurking ...
Personally I'd be tempted to break all the final lines in two, so that "when the creep cats come to town" stands completely alone at the close of each stanza.
The 4th and 5th stanzas feel strongest for me; it sort of starts a little bit Dr. Suess but gathers menace and weight as each stanza goes on. I think it would definitely repay a bit more playing with the rhyme and imagery to make it that little bit taughter, but there's something there, lurking ...