Takes too long to breathe

[tmanzano]

Like everyone else, I think that it is very moving (stealing your words there Volaticus, sorry).

I would try moving around the enjambment. Take a few lines and merge them together, see if it works.

If you blinked you'd pass it
but Danny knew that.

Danny was a fool - he would sing to me
at Little River just after the washboard.

It might help it flow a bit better.

A lovely poem though

Oh, yes. I like that. Let me work on this a bit. Thank you so much. Newbie at writing and here.