04-11-2013, 02:19 AM
I agree, there's a few typos I noticed but once the poem's refined, I think you'll have a really lovely piece. 
In spite of the errors, you do have a lot of beautiful lines that really drive the poem.
Some of my favorites -
"She haunts his sight and subsequently he forgets about the seasons, the sun, and the weather."
"She lays in a cot and counts the stars. Thinking of other boys she'd met on bars."
Really good stuff here, absolutely beautiful
In spite of the errors, you do have a lot of beautiful lines that really drive the poem.Some of my favorites -
"She haunts his sight and subsequently he forgets about the seasons, the sun, and the weather."
"She lays in a cot and counts the stars. Thinking of other boys she'd met on bars."
Really good stuff here, absolutely beautiful