Where I must be...edit 2, trueenigma,edit 1. billy the cliche killer

[tectak]

I really like it, but there are one or two niggles...

I need to be where buzzards broach the bosom bens,
cupped in white cotton kufi and pure as faith and prayer.
I need to feel the brittle breeze first numb my brow and then
upon my cheek, high clicking sticks shed needles slick;
I feel no pricks,
just pine scent in the gloaming air.

I need to be where snow-swans slide on silver trays;
in leaf-dark shaded water, glass paned on sun-sweat days.
I need to drink fast streams that leach from bryophytic braes; bryophytic is fine... it's of marginal technicality at worst
clear as poitin, peat-soft but strained through quartz and sand.Poitin is Irish... this kind of spoils the moment for me Not just irish. it is gaelic. I am half Scottish. Check it out then be happy
I sip the land,
as raindrops fling in Highland haze.

I need to be where sea sobs shore...
Where wild hart roar…
Where stars are crushed…
Where nights are hushed…
Where air is made…
Where time will fade.

I need to be
where I must be.

Tectak
Sheildaig
2013

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Hi true,
Thanks for all. You are twisting the knife that I stuck in myself with the slick prick stick click line. I will take another pot at it. What is you reference to unimpressed/marine biologists about? Do I need to know?
I may need to remove a line from the closers but when you write something in situ you take a personal risk of losing you own memory trigger....I am glad, though, that you deduced it was Scotland .What was it? Bens, highland, flings, lochs, braes.....?

Its a bit much but overall it's not too bad. It's easy to see from this that you're a good writer but its literary over done. Like a resume for a writers club, or a mycology group which makes it literary not that interesting to me. Literally. I'm not impressed that you can consult a marine biologist to find a rhyme. I am however, impressed with some of the imagery.
Keep at it.
Thank for sharing (to quote serge)

Highlands. Bosom bends was indecipherable to me..i was referring to the scientific terminology. Marine biologist was really the best term..

Bens not bends. Marine biologist is the WORST term you could have used I will post you a picture if I can master the technicalities.
Best,
tectak

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Hi true,
Thanks for all. You are twisting the knife that I stuck in myself with the slick prick stick click line. I will take another pot at it. What is you reference to unimpressed/marine biologists about? Do I need to know?
I may need to remove a line from the closers but when you write something in situ you take a personal risk of losing you own memory trigger....I am glad, though, that you deduced it was Scotland .What was it? Bens, highland, flings, lochs, braes.....?

Its a bit much but overall it's not too bad. It's easy to see from this that you're a good writer but its literary over done. Like a resume for a writers club, or a mycology group which makes it literary not that interesting to me. Literally. I'm not impressed that you can consult a marine biologist to find a rhyme. I am however, impressed with some of the imagery.
Keep at it.
Thank for sharing (to quote serge)

Highlands. Bosom bends was indecipherable to me..i was referring to the scientific terminology. Marine biologist was really the best term..

Bens not bends. Marine biologist is the WORST term you could have used I will post you a picture if I can master the technicalities.
Best,
tectak

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Tektac, forgive me for dropping just a few words and being unable to offer any suggestions for improvements ( will endure the 40 lashes if need be ...make that 20) This is a beautiful text. Congratulations!
Here:
need to be where sea sobs shore...
Where wild hart roar…
Where stars are crushed…
Where nights are hushed…
Where air is made…
Where time will fade.

near perfection
Heart

Love you too but lash me three!
Best,
tectak

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The only vaguely scientific term here is "bryophytic". While townspeople might not recognise it, I imagine it's a word that most people who spend time in the hills would understand. Does poetry have to pander to the lowest common denominator in any case?

Also, why a marine biologist? There are no marine bryophytes.

I meant marine biologist was NOT the best term. Apologies. Should have said 'panel of scientists' .I was trying to inject some humor to soften the blow, and failed miserable. Some crits will feel that your only pandering to your ego, and referring to townspeople as the 'the lowest common Denominator' only furthers this this presumption.
Sorry about the lack of relevance in my own terminology. I'm just a stupid townie (who was born in the mountain) and i guess this poem is not for me.
If you want people to its Scotland why not just say Scottish bens? I excused busom bens because after reading 'highland haze' i google scottish highland bens and got a good image.
(I actually did like the poem)
How many mountaineers actually read poetry?

I mean the lowest common denominator in any situation: not just this particular example and certainly not in a disparaging way. Do we need to simplify language or explain terms that may be difficult for potential readers who might be unfamiliar with the subject matter?

Tektac... is Sheildaig a typo?

No. It is a place.

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Highlands. Bosom bends was indecipherable to me..i was referring to the scientific terminology. Marine biologist was really the best term..

The only vaguely scientific term here is "bryophytic". While townspeople might not recognise it, I imagine it's a word that most people who spend time in the hills would understand. Does poetry have to pander to the lowest common denominator in any case?

Also, why a marine biologist? There are no marine bryophytes.

I meant marine biologist was NOT the best term. Apologies. Should have said 'panel of scientists' .I was trying to inject some humor to soften the blow, and failed miserable. Some crits will feel that your only pandering to your ego, and referring to townspeople as the 'the lowest common Denominator' only furthers this this presumption.
Sorry about the lack of relevance in my own terminology. I'm just a stupid townie (who was born in the mountain) and i guess this poem is not for me.
If you want people to its Scotland why not just say Scottish bens? I excused busom bens because after reading 'highland haze' i google scottish highland bens and got a good image.
(I actually did like the poem)
How many mountaineers actually read poetry?

1,473

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To simplify,
Scientific terms are cold and sterile. They lack the warm, poetic, Profundity that you are reaching for in in relating natural perceptions to the philosophical 'where I need to be, making this poem not about the highlands, but about yourself, and your mycology. I know are a fungi, but your spores just aren't that interesting. The over-glossed alliteration disrupts the imagery, and renders bryophytes germane. Is that better?

Yes.