The Waiting Game (second edit)

[Volaticus]

the edit is an improvement

no need for punctuation on the 1st line apart from a period. check your other lines for proper punctuation.

sort out the end rhyme using a proper rhyme scheme, which would mean sorting the verse out to be of the same line count. possibly quatrains, look out for forced rhymes. if need be don't go with end rhymes.

I know of the monsters you fear-
could then be

I know of your monsters

the 'you fear' part is forced and redundant, (of course some don't fear monsters but in general we're all shit scared of them, specially our personal ones. remove the cliche parts, change for original lines. it's good that your editing, this is how you learn to write poetry. well done.

Hi billy,
Thanks a lot for your critique I'm happy to hear that I succeeded in improving the poem to some extent.
I'll work on doing proper punctuation, remove forced rhymes and cliches and try to be more original. Your comments has really helped me, thanks
Only thing I didn't understand, is the thing you said about quatrains and the same line count. Did you mean that it would be a good idea to arrange the poem, so that there are four lines in each stanza? It's not to come off as unappreciative, I just want to be sure I understand.
Thanks again
- LB