04-10-2013, 10:15 PM
Thanks Amy.
I think I see what you mean about the enjambment. Of course, when I read it in my head I know where all the pauses are supposed to be, and how it's supposed to flow, but that's cheating
I'll ponder some punctuation, as the basic breakdown is how I want it, I think; the only line I'd consider running on is L3 to L4 as the rest are sort of related fragments. I can see how it could be better punctuated, though.
"The home you never had" was intended as a nod towards marketing bollocks, as part of conjuring up an idea; a bit like a voiceover breaking in for that line. Perhaps it needs quotes to make that clearer? I think changing it to "they" would alter the meaning too much, and say something very different, but I see what you mean about it shifting the focus otherwise.
I'll cogitate on those and see if there's any other feedback before cracking out an edit, I think. Thank you, very much appreciated.
I think I see what you mean about the enjambment. Of course, when I read it in my head I know where all the pauses are supposed to be, and how it's supposed to flow, but that's cheating
I'll ponder some punctuation, as the basic breakdown is how I want it, I think; the only line I'd consider running on is L3 to L4 as the rest are sort of related fragments. I can see how it could be better punctuated, though."The home you never had" was intended as a nod towards marketing bollocks, as part of conjuring up an idea; a bit like a voiceover breaking in for that line. Perhaps it needs quotes to make that clearer? I think changing it to "they" would alter the meaning too much, and say something very different, but I see what you mean about it shifting the focus otherwise.
I'll cogitate on those and see if there's any other feedback before cracking out an edit, I think. Thank you, very much appreciated.