04-10-2013, 07:46 AM
First Edit
I've taken what isn't cliche and awkward and written it around that. I'm not sure how this edit has gone, I feel as I already know the story I struggle to see if it's too unclear.
It was another accident.
I reached down to pick up
that bouquet.
Sodden petals stuck to the ground;
drowning amongst speckled gum
carelessly thrown by a road hog.
Cath's voice shattered the dead air
and her words hit me.
They were splashed with familiar blood -
but now, laced with whiskey.
The sound scorched Cath's throat,
making it as dry as that day
when she lost her kin.
We started the journey home.
I preached your goodness once -
did I spit lies on your behalf?
You drank, then drove.
You also nursed my scraped knees,
tested the smoke alarm every Sunday.
I would not have shed so many tears -
if I had known. With a tap of the brakes,
I rolled up the ramp into the hall.
I sat and waited for her to take my coat off.
I sat and wondered -
How could I forgive you now?
______________________________________________________________
Original
It was another accident.
I reached down to pick up
the withered,
decayed bouquet
that littered the dull grey pavement.
With clammy hands
My aunt placed another
against the lamp post
refreshing this scene
and the faded memories I have.
When we stopped in silence
I wondered if ever, anyone
had given a passing thought -
if the speeding drivers
knew it could be them next.
Her voice shattered the dead air
and her words fell on me
like shards of a mirror,
covering my broken reflections
with blood and whiskey.
Unspoken truths - now I know.
How could you be so careless?
You drank, then drove.
you also nursed my scraped knees,
Tested the smoke alarm every Sunday.
How could you?
as my aunt broke into tears,
full of tense guilt, unrestrained
her eyes inked red with despair.
We started the journey home.
She put the handbrake on outside the door.
I would not have shed so many tears, if I had known.
Aunt pushed me up the ramp into the hall.
I sat and waited for her to take my coat off.
I sat and wondered -
How could I forgive you now?
I've taken what isn't cliche and awkward and written it around that. I'm not sure how this edit has gone, I feel as I already know the story I struggle to see if it's too unclear.
It was another accident.
I reached down to pick up
that bouquet.
Sodden petals stuck to the ground;
drowning amongst speckled gum
carelessly thrown by a road hog.
Cath's voice shattered the dead air
and her words hit me.
They were splashed with familiar blood -
but now, laced with whiskey.
The sound scorched Cath's throat,
making it as dry as that day
when she lost her kin.
We started the journey home.
I preached your goodness once -
did I spit lies on your behalf?
You drank, then drove.
You also nursed my scraped knees,
tested the smoke alarm every Sunday.
I would not have shed so many tears -
if I had known. With a tap of the brakes,
I rolled up the ramp into the hall.
I sat and waited for her to take my coat off.
I sat and wondered -
How could I forgive you now?
______________________________________________________________
Original
It was another accident.
I reached down to pick up
the withered,
decayed bouquet
that littered the dull grey pavement.
With clammy hands
My aunt placed another
against the lamp post
refreshing this scene
and the faded memories I have.
When we stopped in silence
I wondered if ever, anyone
had given a passing thought -
if the speeding drivers
knew it could be them next.
Her voice shattered the dead air
and her words fell on me
like shards of a mirror,
covering my broken reflections
with blood and whiskey.
Unspoken truths - now I know.
How could you be so careless?
You drank, then drove.
you also nursed my scraped knees,
Tested the smoke alarm every Sunday.
How could you?
as my aunt broke into tears,
full of tense guilt, unrestrained
her eyes inked red with despair.
We started the journey home.
She put the handbrake on outside the door.
I would not have shed so many tears, if I had known.
Aunt pushed me up the ramp into the hall.
I sat and waited for her to take my coat off.
I sat and wondered -
How could I forgive you now?
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)