no line by lines in novice mikey
at present it feels pretty weak i think you could remove a lot of filler lines and replace them with images and thoughts that are solid. the 1st 4 lines are the main culprit and the poem proper starts at the 5th line for me. words like still and phrases like for once, add little if anything.
after L5, and L6, your next decent line is the last one. build the poem round these 3 lines. 3 lines of decent poetry is a good start, and it's also enough to work with on an edit.
(04-03-2013, 09:44 AM)Icebreakers27 Wrote: I find myself running around
finding things to do,
Just to keep my mind
from wondering back to you.
This bed is cold, despite my cover,
Still two pillows, absent one lover.
My dreams are haunted
By the memory of your flame,
All it takes is the thought of your name.
This house is empty, cold and dark;
Lifeless and dead without your love's spark.
I wish I could find the answer to this crime.
For once I welcome, the swiftness of time.