04-08-2013, 06:33 PM
I enjoyed reading it 
There are some beautiful lines in this poem like:
"the tracks of your tears follow mine, I feel a connection"
"So our breath can dance in the ballroom of our lungs"
Yes, this is indeed little longer than one would expect because there are words and lines which can be trimmed off. This will make it sound more like poetry, without the trim it has a slight feeling of a prose.
In the last line you say that even love could lie, so what is the love lying about? All that you wrote about your lover or just the fact that you don't want to love her?
All in all, you can have a very strong poem once you streamline the emotions to one goal you want to reach and trim off the excess words which are not making a great impact as the others.
There are some beautiful lines in this poem like:
"the tracks of your tears follow mine, I feel a connection"
"So our breath can dance in the ballroom of our lungs"
Yes, this is indeed little longer than one would expect because there are words and lines which can be trimmed off. This will make it sound more like poetry, without the trim it has a slight feeling of a prose.
In the last line you say that even love could lie, so what is the love lying about? All that you wrote about your lover or just the fact that you don't want to love her?
All in all, you can have a very strong poem once you streamline the emotions to one goal you want to reach and trim off the excess words which are not making a great impact as the others.
~Neena