of side pony tails and doughnuts

[billy]

hi jc
i think some parts are unnecessary. we know it you in the first line because your mothers cccent tells us so, 'I was' isn't needed.
further down
there were for of us then

were = then
you used snuck twice, it being an uncommon word the fact stands out more, could one of them be changed. some good solid images that work well in telling a realist story of something kids would do. good edit. i don't think it's too prose but that you asked the question, i get the idea you feel it might be.

thanks for the read.

revision

I was 5 years old
and couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There were four of us then,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of antics. my two girls were the same

Big brother was my idol
oh I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket. nice little image that made me smile

He envied right back
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

Yet I ignored my little brothers is 'yet' needed?
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring. typical girl, captured well

That day we went grocery shopping;
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

Mom pretended not to see
as we littered pistachio shells,
snuck from bulk food bins. would it work better if the 1st line were the last and 'as' was removed?

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

(She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.) an honest women not sure the parenthesis are needed

Feeling somewhat devious, we schemed
and under the egg cartons, snuck
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

I don’t really remember,
but it was probably my idea…
me, the sneaky sister.

Baby brother distracted mom at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did. solid ending



original

I was 5 years old
and couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There we four of us then,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of drama.

Big brother was my idol
how I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket.

How he envied
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

But I ignored my little brothers
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring.

That day we went grocery shopping,
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

Mom pretended not to see
as we littered pistachio shells,
snuck from bulk food bins.

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

(She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.)

Feeling devious that day, we schemed
and under the egg carton, snuck
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

Baby brother distracted her at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did.