The bride of Chenab (My first Triolet)

[milo]

Hi All,

Here's my first triolet and I am really really excited about it
Please do let me know how you feel about it...

The bride of Chenab

On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.
A time-worn bag at her side;
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
Glassy eyes, tears long dried
Holding on a hope barely alive.
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.

Cheers

Welcome to the dark side, neena, you will like it here. I am glad you knocked out a triolet from your list and this is novice, so I will be gentle.

First, your concept and verbiage is pretty good. you could clean up the meter pretty easily as so:

On the banks of Chenab, a bride
waits for her groom to arrive.
with a time-worn bag at her side;
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
with her glassy-eyed tears long dried,
she's holding hope barely alive.
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.

the next thing to work on is a 'turn' in your refrain, a subtle shift in meaning.

cheers
milo