04-04-2013, 03:54 AM
I agree with everyone on that last stanza. It weakens the rest of the poem.
I think some of the phrases are also quite awkward and 'break the spell' so to speak, these ones in paticular:
-from her sin that is soon to begin
-actions have acted
-can be a dangerous thing
-thought thoroughly through
-heart is blue
-Read between the Lines, It's happened before, it can happen to you
I love what softlyfalling did with it - cutting it down makes the really good lines you have much more effective.
It's certainly not bad though, just a little trimming would turn it into a lovely topiary (or poem) :-P
I think some of the phrases are also quite awkward and 'break the spell' so to speak, these ones in paticular:
-from her sin that is soon to begin
-actions have acted
-can be a dangerous thing
-thought thoroughly through
-heart is blue
-Read between the Lines, It's happened before, it can happen to you
I love what softlyfalling did with it - cutting it down makes the really good lines you have much more effective.
It's certainly not bad though, just a little trimming would turn it into a lovely topiary (or poem) :-P
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)