Something, something, dark side

[Leanne]

I basically used Poe's format of "The Raven" and went with 6 syllables instead of 8.

You didn't really though -- "The Raven" is written in trochees, yours is iambic for the most part, so it's kind of backwards It's not just about syllable count. To find out more about meter, you might like to check out the Poetry Practice forum.

Having said that, kudos for finding a system that works for you. Many readers would notice nothing wrong with it and since you've posted in miscellaneous and not a critique forum, let me just stop at "your grammar is tortured by the need to fit into a pattern, so the form is dictating your poem". At the very least, you've identified what you want to do and done what you can to get there.