04-03-2013, 10:32 PM
Hi,
This is good, can be even better by making few changes.
If the feel is more important then get to the core by cutting off the excess and bring out the strong words/lines like so:
I have this place inside, a hole ;
An empty brooding waits
to pull me in to nothing.
All that I hold dear is soon to disappear,
A lust that once was weak
has never felt so strong.
Now what ever have I done.
Else, if the form is more important you may opt to choose your words differently to make it perfect in rhyme and meter.
Cheers
This is good, can be even better by making few changes.
If the feel is more important then get to the core by cutting off the excess and bring out the strong words/lines like so:
I have this place inside, a hole ;
An empty brooding waits
to pull me in to nothing.
All that I hold dear is soon to disappear,
A lust that once was weak
has never felt so strong.
Now what ever have I done.
Else, if the form is more important you may opt to choose your words differently to make it perfect in rhyme and meter.
Cheers
~Neena