An Introduction to Death

[Leanne]

An Introduction to Death

I used to play around the trail of fir trees
that surrounded the fence.
They were guardians, a shelter -- guardians and shelter say much the same thing, I feel you're wasting one of these words
from the evils of ghosts -- evils is an absolute that I'm ambivalent about -- I think we can pick this idea up from the tone, without having to state it overtly
and things that lurk in dark corners.
My older brothers told me they
wait for you outside those trees.
In my garden, I was safe.

After a stormy, violent night -- this is a bit tell-not-show -- I'd love a little bit of storm imagery
I stood on the patio;
something laid by the apple tree.
A sodden, dark mass
of feathers, legs, and
deep, staining claret.
It would not move.

This could not have been the fault
of ghosts
or things that lurk in dark corners. -- an em-dash might work better here than a full stop
My forest kept them at bay.

Had I done this? -- good introduction of guilt and the childlike centre-of-the-universe view

It's wings were raised - *its
awkwardly assaulted into unnatural positions.
Like a signal, calling out a final song from a broken neck. -- you could probably get rid of "like" and make this a metaphor instead
It did not move.
I had not been told about this -
It tainted my thoughts with erratic visions
of stone cold, panicked eyes,
and bloodied feathers. -- good imagery

Later, my brothers would laugh
call it 'a real dead'un!'
and display it to their friends.
I had hoped that before their eyes
it's wings would align, *its
it's feathers tidy, *its
the blood would return to it's heart -- and *its!
but still, it would not move. -- this is a good strong closing stanza

Hi there, and welcome! Thanks for all your feedback around the place, it's great to see. I've probably given you a little bit more than is expected in Mild but there is enormous potential in this poem that I'd love to see brought out further. When you're ready to take some stronger criticism (if ever, and not everybody is), you would probably do quite well posting in Serious Critique -- not necessarily with this poem, but I suspect you write to quite a high quality and it would be good to see that nurtured fully.